Sometimes I Wish for the Russian Front
by Jinzle
Summary: Klink is on leave and the mice decide to play. Unfortunately an untimely visit from unwanted guests can upset everyone's plans.
1. So it Begins

**Sometimes I Wish for the Russian Front**

"But Kommandant," an alarmed Leutnant Paul Bergman sputtered as he followed his commanding officer down the steps of Klink's private quarters. "You can't leave, Hauptmann Gruber hasn't returned from the conference in Munich." Bergman struggled to keep in step with Klink's long strides but found his shorter legs were not up to the task. He had fallen a few steps behind which caused him to have to run several steps in order to catch up. "And Hauptmann Lieber is still on leave."

"Nonsense Bergman," Klink said discounting the young man's concern with a wave of his hand. "It is time that you got some command experience. Besides I will only be gone forty-eight hours. Not even you could foul things up in that space of time."

As they rounded the building, Oberfeldwebel Schultz and Obergefreiter Langenscheidt were loading the last of the luggage onto the trunk of the staff car. Both seemed to be in the middle of their own disagreement.

"But Feldwebel," said Langenscheidt, "you're the ranking NCO. Your place is here, not doing such a menial task as driving the Kommandant."

"No, I need to personally ensure the safety of Kommandant Klink. It is my duty," countered Schultz while jutting out his chin and tapping himself on the chest with his thumb.

Langenscheidt rolled his eyes at the larger man but held his tongue.

"Is everything packed and ready to go?" Klink asked as he approached the enlisted men.

"Everything is as you ordered it Herr Kommandant," replied Schultz as he came to attention and saluted Klink.

"Good, then we need to be on our way," Klink said as Langenscheidt opened the left rear passenger's door. Klink climbed into the back without so much as a glance at the young Obergefreiter who was busy saluting and trying to close the door.

"Hurry up Schultz. I want to get there before sundown," Klink bellowed at Schultz as he tried to squeeze his large frame behind the steering wheel.

Grasping the edge of the open window Bergman attempted to plead his case once again. "Please Kommandant. I have no command experience. You cannot leave me in charge. "

"After today you will not be able to say that, will you?" Klink said as he waved Schultz to drive on, leaving the young Leutnant standing there with a growing sense of dread. He turned to Langenscheidt and with a weary sigh said, "Follow me Obergefreiter. You are going to be my personal aide until our master returns. Just remember, if I fail, so do you." Without another word, Bergman turned and mounted the steps of the Kommandantur with Langenscheidt trailing behind.

The activity in the compound had not been missed by the ever vigilant eyes of the men occupying Barracks Two. Hogan closed the window in his private quarters and turned to his four top men. "So Ol' Blood and Guts is taking a holiday; most convenient of him."

"Do you think this is a planned scarpa or is he up to something?" asked Newkirk.

"When isn't Klink up to something?" remarked LeBeau.

"Do you think we should go ahead with the plan or wait for him to come back?" asked the youngest of the Heroes.

"I think we need to find out where our beloved leader has run off to and why," replied Hogan as he put on his crush cap and exited into the common area.

"And if Klink has something up his sleeve?" asked a nervous Kinch as he followed behind the Senior POW Officer.

"We'll just have to deal with it then. Nothing can get in the way of our plans. We put in too much time and planning for it to be fouled up now. Understood?"

A round of 'yes sirs' echoed around Hogan. Smiling he put his foot on the bench at the table, rested an arm on his leg and began going over the details of their latest caper.

HHHHHHHH

A few hours into his stint as acting Kommandant, Bergman sat in the Kommandant's office trying to forget his misery by burying himself in the mundane day to day paperwork that is required when running a Stalag. A quick light tap sounded at his door but before he had a chance to look up from his work, Hogan breezed into his office and sat down in the chair in front of the desk. Bergman let out a soft sigh as he regarded the Senior POW. He had been stationed at the camp long enough to notice the American often danced mental circles around the Kommandant. To be honest, the man often played not only Klink for a fool but Burkhalter as well. Bergman shifted uneasily in his chair as he did not feel comfortable trying to match wits with this man.

"I did not call for you Colonel Hogan," Bergman said nervously. He cleared his throat in an attempt to try and put some authority behind his voice. "Whatever you want, it can wait until the Kommandant returns. "

Hogan pushed back his crush cap and gave Bergman one of his best boyish grins. "So where is our industrious leader and how long will he be gone?" Hogan said as he pulled a thick pile of papers from his A-2 jacket. He waited a moment for the acting Kommandant to reply. When none came he began to read from the papers in his hand. "Let's see what we have here. The residents of Barracks five are complaining about flea bites." Hogan looked up and regarded Bergman briefly before asking, "When was the last time those dogs of yours had a bath?"

Frowning with impatience Bergman replied, "If your men have fleas from the dogs it must be due to all the escape attempts. No escape attempts, no coming into contact with the dogs and no fleas. Of course, out of due respect to your rank, I will not point out the obvious and remind you those dogs are cleaner than your men."

"Which leads us to Barrack Sixteen, who complains they have no running water inside the barracks to include the night latrine," Hogan replied ignoring Bergman's insult.

"As you are well aware of Colonel, Obergefreiter Schneider our plumber was transferred to the Russian Front last November and we do not have a replacement for him."

"So what do my men do in the mean time?"

"May I suggest a bucket? Really Colonel, all these complaints can wait until the Kommandant has returned."

"And when might that be?"

"Two days. Now can I please get back to my work?"

Hogan leaned forward and smiled. "Where has he gone?"

"To visit his mother. Now if this interrogation is over, I have work to do," cried Bergman as he threw down his pencil in frustration.

Hogan leaned back in his chair still smiling at the frustrated Leutnant. "See that wasn't hard was it. Think about all the time we could have saved if you had just….."

"Get out! Get out! Get out!" yelled Bergman as spit flew from his mouth.

Lazily Hogan got up and made his way to the door. "As you wish Herr Kommandant," Hogan said with a smirk before disappearing into the outer office.

Bergman rummaged through the desk draws until he found the bottle of Aspirin. Swallowing four tablets without water made him grimace. _It's going to be a long two days. I am not going to make it._

Hogan's men met him outside the Kommandantur with eager anticipation.

"Well Colonel?" asked Kinch.

"Klink is visiting his mother and won't be back for two days," Hogan replied as he hooked his thumbs in his jacket pockets.

Since when does Klink go on family visits?" asked an incredulous LeBeau.

"Since now," replied Hogan.

"So is everything still on Colonel?" Carter asked.

"Everything proceeds as planned."

Kinch opened his mouth to reply but the words were cut off by the arrival of a black staff car coming through the gates. It stopped in the middle of a compound and a Schutzstaffel Obertruppführer and Sturmbannführer exited the vehicle and quickly mounted the steps to the Kommandantur.

"Well, what do we have here?" Hogan said more to himself than his men.

"Colonel, I feel an urgent need for a cup of coffee," Kinch replied smiling at his superior officer.

"Kinch my man, you read my mind."

_A/N:_

_Leutnant Bergman is an established character. Although never seen, he is referenced in "The Return of Bonacelli" and "A Russian Is Coming". His first name is my invention._

_Obergefreiter Schneider: Never seen but referenced in Knights in Shining Armour._

_Schutzstaffel: SS_

_Obertruppführer: Master Sergeant in the SS._

_Sturmbannführer: Major in the SS._


	2. Trouble

**Trouble**

Two tall stern men with Nordic features stood in front of Leutnant Bergman. He felt his bowels loosen as he withered under their icy stare. Their presence in the camp could only mean trouble. He longed to call the Kommandant but his superior officer had failed to leave a number where he could be contacted. Bergman briefly wondered if he had done so on purpose. He could not come up with a logical reason for why the Kommandant would act in such a manner, so he immediately dismissed the idea from his mind. Unsure of what to do, he sat quietly and hoped they were just seeking lodging for the night.

"I am Obertruppführer Emil Reiker and this is Sturmbannführer Gregor Wittmann" the taller of the two men began. "We are assigned to the 3rd SS Division Totenkof and here by special order of Obergruppenführer Hermann Priess. As you are aware Leutnant, we are responsible for day to day operations of the labor camps here in Germany and in the defeated countries."

Bergman merely nodded, not trusting his voice to speak without wavering. Reiker continued as if reading from a script.

"Our new orders are that we assume responsibility for all POW camps in Germany. Since we have experience in this area, we will eventually run all POW camps. "

Finding his voice Bergman was able to squeak out, "I do not understand, Obertruppführer. This is a Luft Stalag and is under the jurisdiction of the Luftwaffe." Bergman's felt an acute sense of panic. He was well aware the Totenkof were administering the Russian POW camps. If the rumors were true, the death rate in those camps were well over 50%. If they were to take over Stalag XIII, how many of the prisoners wouldn't last to see next year's spring.

"Look out this window Leutnant and tell me what you see," replied Reiker.

Bergman cautiously got up from his chair, unsure as to what to expect from the SS officer, and looked out the window.

"I see prisoners playing soccer in the main compound," replied a perplexed Bergman.

"Exactly! Strong able bodied men playing games while we have a labor shortage. They eat better than most of our people. They contribute nothing while tying up needed man power. Well no more. It is time for the swine to earn their keep."

"Their keep?"

"They will be put to work in the local factories, farms and other industries where there is a shortage of man power. Right now we are looking at having a significant portion work at the ammunition factory in town." He smiled but Bergman saw no humor in his eyes. "Besides, the Allies wouldn't dare bomb it with their own men working inside."

"But what about the Geneva Convention? If we treat the prisoners in such a manner, surely the Allies will retaliate in kind."

"So what?" Reiker said with a curl of his lip.

"They are German citizens," Bergman countered with growing alarm.

"They are cowards and traitors groveling at the feet of the enemy, begging for their pathetic lives. Anyone who has an ounce of sympathy for them are themselves a traitor. Are you a traitor too? Will you crawl on your belly and beg for mercy?"

"I am a just a Leutnant. I do not have the authority to hand the camp over to you. I must call General Burkhalter and receive my orders from him. You do understand, don't you Herr Obertruppführer?"

"We of the SS are not like you elitists of the Wehrmacht. Neither family ties nor education mean anything to the Schutzstaffel. Loyalty, obedience and hard work are how a man gets ahead. So do not use your honorific titles, they insult us."

"Yes," said a mortified Bergman as he shakily returned to his seat.

"Now have your prisoners fall out for inspection. I will look them over and make a decision on who will stay and who is to be transferred. You in the meantime, call General Burkhalter and get your permission."

Without further acknowledgment of the Luftwaffe officer, the two SS men turned an exited the office leaving a shaken Bergman to make his call in private.

The plug on the coffee pot was pulled and silence enveloped the private quarters of the Senior POW. Everyone seemed to be holding their breath, waiting for their leader to speak and reassure them that he could take care of the SS. Hogan just sat on his stool with his face knotted in thought and his arms folded around his person. Seconds passed into minutes as the men waited in anticipation. Unable to take the silence any longer, Carter addressed Colonel Hogan.

"What are we going to do sir," he asked in a half whisper.

Hogan turned his head and looked into the face of the apprehensive Sergeant. "I don't know Carter," Hogan answered in a wooden and tired voice.

"The Guv'nor will think of something. He always does," interjected Newkirk with false cheerfulness. The others joined in to not only reassure each other but themselves that all was well.

The mood was abruptly broken by the sound of Obergefreiter Langenscheidt's voice in the common room calling for the men to fall out for roll call.

"Come on, let's get this over with," replied Hogan. He gave Carter a pat on the shoulder and a forced smile in an attempt to reassure the young man. Placing his crush cap on his head, he exited the barracks with his men and took up his position in formation.

When Klink called formation, he was usually very prompt with the appell, getting the count and then dismissing the men. Sometimes he would make a propaganda speech but it was usually brief and to the point. Today Hogan and his men stood while they were not only counted but their identities were checked with their files and photographs.

Hogan looked over to Langenscheidt, who looked extremely nervous. His eyes kept darting over to Colonel Hogan as he made his count as if he was trying to reassure himself that all the POWs were indeed there. Hogan cocked an eyebrow and, not for the first time, wondered just how much the Obergefreiter knew.

His thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of Reiker and Whitmann. Both men stood on the steps of the Kommandantur and surveyed the POWs like conquering warriors on a blood stained battlefield. Hogan throbbed with anger and wanted nothing more than to break formation and plunge a dagger into their cold black hearts. Problem was he didn't have a dagger and such an act would surely get him and several of his men killed. He hated playing the submissive role but would do so for the sake of the men and the mission. Still, his hands itched for cold steel.

"Prisoners of the Third Reich," Reiker's baritone voice carried across the compound to be heard by every POW ear. "I am your new master. The rules you were under while the Luftwaffe ran this camp are no longer valid. There are only two rules you will need to remember. First you obey all commands. Second, disobeying the first rule will result in an immediate and unpleasant death. Any questions?"

Hogan raised his hand and stepped forward, "Hogan, Robert Edward, Colonel, O876707."

"What is your question?"

"As Senior POW Officer I have to file a protest. We are prisoners of war and both our countries have signed the Geneva Accords. We are allowed due process when it comes to camp violations."

"You are NOT senior anything. All rights have been suspended. You obey the rules or suffer the consequences. Starting tomorrow you will get up at 0500. You will fall out for formation at 0510 for roll call and calisthenics. At 0645 you will be given a break for breakfast. At 0700 you will fall in for formation and accept your assignments for work detail. All prisoners will work to include officers. For any man refusing to work, their entire barracks will not receive evening rations. At 1900 hours you will be released back to the barracks for your evening meal. Lights out at 2030. Any questions? No? Good you are learning. All men are confined to the barracks for the rest of the day. We are doubling the guards both inside and outside the camp. Anyone found outside the barracks will be shot. Dismissed."

All the men's eyes were on Hogan as they quietly returned to their barracks. He could not bear to look at his men's faces so he retired to his quarters to try and think of a plan. As he sat on the lower bunk with his head in his hands he could hear the hopeful voices in the other room. Each voice he was personally responsible for. Never before had the burden of command been so heavy.

He sat there alone, even after lights out, trying to formulate some kind of plan. He didn't know how long he sat there before he heard the guards yelling and shots being fired. Hogan jumped to his feet. _Damn he hadn't told Mills, Schwartz and Jacobs in barracks 9 to hold off on the scheduled plan tonight. They must know that it was too dangerous to implement at this time. Damn, damn, damn!_

_A/N:_

_Obergruppenführer (Lieutenant-General) Hermann Priess: Was the leader of the 3__rd__ SS Division Totenkopf from 26 February 1943 – 27 April 1943 and 22 October 1943 – 21 June 1944. The Totenkopf were part of the SS in charge of the concentration camps and Soviet POW camps._


	3. A Reprieve… of Sorts

**A Reprieve… of Sorts**

The sound of barking guard dogs and gun fire roused Hogan from his self-induced stupor. Too late he realized he had not given any counter orders to his men to cease all operations. His stomach tightened as he realized his mistake could have cost him three of his men's lives. He rushed blindly into the dark common area and briefly wondered why no one had turned on the lights. It took him a moment to realize under the new regime, the lights were turned off at the main circuit breaker ensuring all lights were off at the appointed time. The frightened and confused voices of his men added to the chaos of the moment.

Stumbling over furniture and men, Hogan finally made his way to the tunnel opening. As he was about to hit the mechanism which controlled the entrance, the barrack door flew open and guards with flashlights stormed in yelling for the prisoners to get into formation. Every instinct he had told him to ignore the command and go check on his men. Such an act would be a death warrant for all his men, so he acquiesced and fell in with his men. The guards then did a quick head count to confirm all of his men were present.

"Colonel Hogan," said a voice in the dark, "a moment of your time, if you please."

Hogan squinted at the light in his face as he tried to put a face to the voice.

"Bitte Oberst," the more familiar voice of Langenscheidt said.

Hogan felt himself relaxing a little. While the Obergefreiter sounded a little distressed, he did not sound like anything serious had happened. Hogan knew the German was as fond of his men as they were of him. If something tragic had occurred, Langenscheidt would not be so calm.

"Is there any way I can know whom I am speaking with?" Hogan asked as he hooked his thumbs into his jacket pockets and tried to appear nonchalance.

One of the lights flickered upwards, briefly illuminating the face of Leutnant Bergman. Hogan felt the knots in his muscles relax a bit more as he nodded in acceptance and followed to two soldiers to his quarters.

Closing the door behind him, Hogan watched as the two men put their lanterns on the edge of the top bunk so the room was dimly lit. "So what did I do to be honored by a visit this late at night?" Hogan causally asked.

"Don't play games with me Colonel. I know you had something to do with what went on at Barracks Nine. Three of your men," Bergman began before turning to Langenscheidt and asking, "What were their names?"

"Flight Sergeant John Jacobs, Private Harland Mills and Sergeant David Schwartz," supplied Langenscheidt.

"Those men stole a sheet from the laundry and I don't even what to know where they got the zinc sulfide needed to make it glow in the dark."

The corner of Hogan's mouth quivered as he suppressed a smile. Bergman noticed the smile and his lips stretched into a thin line of a frown before continuing.

"They used a soccer ball to make a head and painted a face on it. By using wires that ran under the eaves and burying it next to the barracks, they were able to have the ghost jump out at the guards."

"They made it dance like a marionette," added Langenscheidt who mimicked the ghost puppet and seemed to Hogan to be trying desperately not to laugh. "Gefrieter Berger had to go and change his uniform."

Hogan did not comment but waited for Bergman to continue.

"They were lucky. The SS men were not in camp to see that little display."

This immediately caught Hogan's attention and a thousand questions raced through his mind. "Not in camp? Why?"

"I called General Burkhalter regarding the transfer of command. He verified the change in operations but told Reiker they could not take over until the Kommandant was here to formally transfer command. So they went into town to check on what was holding up the men that are supposed to replace our guards. They haven't returned yet. You must make your men understand that the SS will not tolerate such behavior."

"It was just a little goon baiting Leutnant. A harmless prank," replied a much relieved Hogan.

"There are no harmless pranks where the SS are concerned. You could have had me sent to the Russian Front or worse. There can be no more incidents, understood?"

"Will things remain as they have been until Klink gets back? No 0500 fall out, work details or calisthenics?"

"Everything is to remain as the Kommandant left it. But as soon as he returns, command will be turned over to Reiker," Bergman said.

"I'll talk with the men," Hogan responded, "but they might see this as the last hurrah before the boon is lowered."

"Try Colonel, my wife is due to have our first child in a couple of months. I would like to be around to see him born."

A grin spread across Hogan's face. "Being a little optimistic, aren't you Bergman?"

"Hedda is a good German wife. It will be a boy. You'll see," Bergman replied while puffing out his chest and giving Hogan an ear to ear grin.

"Well let's hope I'm still around to see if you're right," Hogan replied.

"Good, then there will be no more incidents tonight. Gute Nacht, Colonel Hogan," Bergman said while he and Langenscheidt retrieved their lights and exited Hogan's quarters. Gathering up the waiting guards, Bergman left the barracks. Just for a moment, there in the dark, Hogan thought he detected a smirk on Langenscheidt's face. If it had been there, it just as quickly disappeared leaving Hogan to wonder if he had imagined it.

Newkirk was the first one to reach Hogan who was still standing in the doorway to his private room.

"What did those bloody monsters want ?" he asked with more than a little hostility in his voice.

"What happened Colonel?" came Kinch's voice somewhere to the left of him.

"Just Barracks Nine starting a little early, that's all. Everyone is fine. The SS aren't in camp and Bergman is content to let it go if we behave ourselves."

"Are we going to behave ourselves, mon Colonel?" asked LeBeau.

"I haven't decided yet," replied Hogan.

_a/n: _

_Jacobs is from 'The Defector'; Private Mills and Sergeant Schwartz are from 'Never Play Cards with Strangers'. First names and Jacobs' rank are my invention. Canon states both Mills and Schwartz are housed in Barracks Nine. Since it was never stated which barracks Jacobs was in or his nationality, both are of my own choosing._

_Gefrieter Berger is from 'No Names Please'._


	4. Morning Breaks

**Morning Breaks**

_A/n: It has been brought to my attention that Riker is an Americanized German name and not appropriate for my villain. I am changing his name to Reiker (pronounced Reeker). I will make the appropriate changes to the previous chapters. Thanks for all of your assistance konarciq!_

Hogan and his men fell out for roll call, for once in a timely fashion. The men, clean shaven and neatly dressed, exhibited none of the usual rowdy banter they typically had during this time. This change caused the Leutnant Bergman to be immediately suspicious. When Oberfeldwebel Kristman reported all the prisoners were present and accounted for, Bergman made him have the guards recount the men; twice. Finally satisfied with the count, he dismissed the prisoners. As the Oberfeldwebel turned to address the POWs, Bergman saw a sign had been stuck on his back that had not been there a moment ago.

"**Bitte erschießen Sie mich.**

**Si prega di spararmi.**

**S'il vous plaît me tirer dessus.**

**Please shoot me**."

Upon seeing the shocked look upon Bergman's face, the men broke out in laughter. The acting Kommandant marched over to the unsuspecting febwebel and snatched the sign off his back. He sent a sharp look at Hogan, who merely gave him a nonchalant look and shrugged his shoulders. Bergman felt his blood boil. The heartfelt talk he had given Hogan last night had fallen on deaf ears_. Well if that's the way Hogan wanted it, so be it. Let the SS have him and his men. Good riddance to the lot of them_. Without uttering a single word regarding the latest prank by Hogan's men, Bergman did an about face and marched into the Kommandantur.

He was still fuming when Hogan entered the Kommandant's office later in the morning. Hogan's devil may care attitude ground on Bergman's already frayed nerves. The Leutnant found that he was beginning to have a budding respect for Oberst Klink. He wondered how the Kommandant dealt with Hogan, day in and day out, without going totally stark raving mad.

Hogan pushed his cap to the back of his head, hugged himself and smiled at him. Bergman had once heard the American Southerner, whom everyone seemed just refer to as 'Slim', describe it as "grinning like a possum eating shit." Bergman wasn't sure what it meant but at this moment it seemed to be appropriate. He hadn't realized he was holding his breath and forced himself to exhale. Instead of it conveying the frustration he felt at the moment, it sounded more like a sigh of defeat.

"What do you want Hogan," Bergman said briskly.

"When is the Kommandant due back?" inquired Hogan.

"As you well know, he will be back tomorrow afternoon," replied Bergman.

"And the SS," continued Hogan.

"I do not know. They did not return from town last night," Bergman replied, growing more and more irate with the POW by the moment. He knew he was being played but was not able to decipher the tune. "Though I do not know why I should tell you after what your men did today at roll call."

Hogan waved off Bergman's comments. "Just a little horseplay, Leutnant. You can't deny a dying man his last meal."

"This seems to be a feast your men are having and at my expense."

Hogan unfolded his arms and sat down in a nearby chair. "Look Bergman, let's cut to the chaise. I've been thinking about it all night and there is something fishy going on."

"Fishy? What is fishy? There are no fish in camp," replied a perplexed Bergman, tilting his head slightly in confusion.

"Hmm…it means something doubtful, suspicious," supplied Hogan.

"And what is 'fishy' Colonel?"

"You don't think it's strange that every officer except you is absent from camp?" Hogan asked while leaning forward with his elbows on his thighs.

Bergman shrugged, "I have told you the truth Colonel. You know what I know in this matter."

Hogan regarded Berman for a moment and then blew out some air and leaned back into the chair. "I believe you Bergman. I just can't figure out what is going on."

"And you don't like it when you can't figure the puzzle out?" Bergman said as a small smile crossed his lips.

"No and it is frustrating as hell," retorted Hogan.

"Good, at least we're both in the same ship, eh Colonel."

"That's boat, Bergman. You really need to brush up on your idioms," Hogan said smiling at the younger man.

"So these pranks will stop?" asked a hopeful Bergman.

"When the SS pull through the gates, we'll be on our best behavior. I give you my word of honor. My men are just apprehensive about the change in administration. They're just blowing off some nervous energy."

"All right, as long as they don't get out of hand or interfere with the operation of the camp," replied Bergman. "But they cease as soon as either the SS or Colonel Klink arrives back in camp."

"Promise," Hogan said standing up to leave. He turned to the door but then turned back to Bergman. "That's not camp business," he said pointing to the papers in front of Bergman.

"No, it is a letter to my wife telling her of all the things that have happened in the last couple of days," replied the Leutnant.

"She doesn't live in town?"

"Nein, she is staying with her family in Dresden," replied Bergman. "The Kommandant has already given me permission for leave when her time is near. Of course with the change I might not get that leave. That is what I'm trying to explain to Hedda."

"If things with the SS don't work out and you're still apart of camp personnel, I'll make sure you get that leave."

Bergman laughed good naturedly, "Colonel, may I remind you that YOU are the prisoner?"

"How could I forget?" Hogan said laughingly.

A soft knock at the door interrupted the conversation.

"Come in," ordered Bergman.

The door opened to reveal Obergefreiter Klaus holding a folded note in his hand. He immediately saluted the officers and in German said, "Excuse me Kommandant, but someone has moved sergeant Wilson' s medical bag and he has asked me to take this note around to all the camp personnel to see if anyone knows its whereabouts."

"Let me see this note," asked a suspicious Bergman. Unfolding the note he read, _"Dinna laugh, dinna smile. Hunt the gowk another mile"_

He handed the note to Hogan, who read it while Bergman addressed Klaus. "Obergefreiter, do you speak any English?"

"Ja Herr Leutnant," Klaus replied proudly and began counting off on his fingers, "Hello, good-bye, yes, no, how's it hanging, good food, let's eat."

"That's what I thought," replied Bergman as he glanced over to Hogan, who was trying to hide his smile. "Take it to Middendorf and see if he knows the whereabouts of the bag."

"Jawhol," replied Klaus as he saluted, took the note from Hogan and exited the office.

"You know, you could have told him what was going on," replied Hogan.

"Yes, but I too need a laugh every once in a while. Besides, he's gaining weight. The exercise will do him good."

Bergman stood up and put his cap on, "I need to speak with Obergefreiter Hinkelmann at the Officer's Mess. Would you like to accompany me Colonel Hogan?"

"Just part of the way," replied Hogan.

Just as Hogan and Bergman stepped out onto the porch Kommandantur, a black staff car followed by a deuce and a half came roaring into the compound, screeching to a halt in front of the Kommandantur.

Before either Hogan or Bergman could remark on the turn of events, Reiker leaped from the back of the car, pulling an unwilling and frightened Klink from the car.

_a/n:_

_Oberfeldwebel Kristman: Anchors Aweigh_

_Slim: The Top Secret Top Coat_

_"gowk" is Scots for a cuckoo or a foolish person_

_Obergefreiter Middendorf: That's No Lady, That's My Spy_

_Obergefreiter Hinkelmann: An Evening with Generals_

_A deuce and a half is a 2 1/2 ton truck_


	5. OMG!

**OMG!**

Reiker and Wittmann roughly pulled the struggling Klink out of the back seat of the staff car. Hogan watched as the visibly frightened Kommandant was forcibly dragged up the steps to stand in front of a shocked Hogan and Bergman. Men, dressed in SS black, exited from the back of the truck and stood at attention. Hogan saw a smug sneer crossed Reiker's face as he surveyed the compound.

"Well, I think everyone is present and accounted for. Call for the prisoners and guards to assemble so we can officially take control of the camp," Reiker ordered Klink while pressing his Luger to the Kommandant's side.

A reluctant and trembling Klink turned, faced the compound and ordered for all the prisoners and off duty personnel to be assembled. Klink turned and gave Hogan a helpless look before turning back to Reiker for further instructions. Reiker made a small gesture with his pistol. Understanding the unspoken instructions, Hogan, Bergman and Klink descended the steps with the SS officer bringing up the rear.

Hogan took his place beside his men and watched as Schultz was unloaded from the back of the truck. The guard hurried to take his place beside Klink. .

"I thought ol' Klink was visiting his mum," Newkirk whispered to Hogan.

"It looks like they spent all last night driving to Dusseldorf and back," Hogan whispered. "Question is what is so all fire important that they have to take control of the camp today instead of waiting for tomorrow."

"Whatever it is," Kinch said from his place behind Hogan, "It can't be good for us or the operation."

"I didn't know they could drive that far in a single night," interjected Carter. "Not with all the checkpoints and speed restrictions."

"Well somehow they did it," replied LeBeau.

"Silence in the ranks," came the order from Bergman. The Leutnant then deferred to Klink and stepped back to allow the Kommandant to speak.

With obvious trepidation, Klink took the orders from Reiker and stepped forward. Unfolding the paper, Klink began to read. "In accordance with Staff Order number 696418H3, duly signed by General Albert Burkhalter and counter signed by Obergruppenführer Hermann Priess; I herewith relinquish my command of Stalag XIII to Obertruppführer Emil Reiker."

Reiker stepped forward and exchanged salutes with Klink. The ex-Kommandant then stepped back to allow the new Kommandant to address the men. Reiker looked at the POWs and gave them a sinister smile. Fixing his eyes on Hogan, he began speaking.

"Friends and enemies of the Third Reich, there is a new broom making a clean sweep of this Luft Stalag. Luftwaffe personnel will begin getting ready for their new assignment as part of the Luftflotte 6th."

A quiet mummer of disbelief went through the Luftwaffe ranks. Hogan inwardly groaned. From his communications with London, he knew Luftlotte 1st through 6th was being grounded up by the advancing Russian army. Likely none of these men would survive long, particularly Klink and Schultz. He glanced over to his right and saw Langenscheidt standing nearby with a worried look on his face. Hogan told himself that he could not save them. He was going to have his hands full taking care of his own men. Still, Langenscheidt and Schultz had always been decent and kind to the prisoners. Both were extremely well liked by his men. Standing there watching a shivering Klink, Hogan had to admit certain, not fondness really, but a reluctant respect for the high stepping Prussian.

"Until then," continued Reiker, "I want a complete head count of all prisoners. Their identification tags are to be compared to their photographs in our files. Schnell!"

Gefrieters Bruno and Berger hurried to set up tables while Obergefreiters Klaus and Dietrich retrieved the POWs file and gathered paper and pencils. While this was going on Langenscheidt and Schultz started lining the men up in alphabetical order.

"Make sure your tags are already out and visible to the inspectors," advised Langenscheidt as he ran the length of the line to ensure everyone was where they were supposed to be.

Slowly the men went through the identification process with the hyperkinetic Langenscheidt running to and fro making sure the process was going as smoothly as possible. Suddenly Reiker's voice barked, "Who is that solider? Bring him to me immediately!"

All heads turned to see the object of the new Kommandant's wraith. Hogan was surprised to see Langenscheidt being dragged before Reiker. The SS officer grabbed him, spun him around and ripped the sign that had been placed on the young Obergefreiter's back. Reiker read the offending sign, "Help America, buy bonds."

Was ist das? Who is responsible for this?" Reiker growled at the prisoners while waving the sign angrily. Everyone looked at each other and a mummer went through the ranks but no one stepped forward. "I said who is responsible for this?" "

Everyone turned to look at Hogan but no one said anything. Hogan was just as confused as his men. All pranks were to stop immediately upon the SS's arrival. _Who was the idiot that disobeyed orders, _Hogan wondered.

"No one wants to claim this? Good," Reiker said and then turned his attention to Langenscheidt. "Obergefreiter since you don't seem to know what is going on around you, I am bringing you up on formal charges of gross negligent."

A gasp echoed through the camp from both POWs and the assembled guards. Reiker smiled and raised his hand, as if to forestall any pending outburst, "Do not worry, they may show you compassion at the Courts Marshal. They may waive execution in favor of having you serve in the Strafbattalion. If you survive, you can rejoin your comrades at the Eastern Front."

A look of terror crossed Langenscheidt's face as he stepped back. Two SS soldiers grabbed him in order to impede any possible thoughts he had of flight.

"Please Kommandant; I have an elderly mother who depends on me. What will happen to her?"

"I suspect she will die; a fitting end to a woman who could raise such an incompetent fool." With a flick of his wrist, Langenscheidt was hauled off, still protesting, to the cooler.

"Let this be a warning to every one of you, I will not tolerate any violation of the rules, be it prisoners or guards."

Reiker then turned his attention to Hogan. "Colonel Hogan, you said you were the Senior POW Officer, did you not?"

"Yes I did," replied Hogan.

"Good. Since you can't keep your men under control and none of them want to speak up and admit their crime, I am holding you personally responsible. You will be immediately transferred to Bergen-Belsen. Guards, take him and put him on the back of the truck."

An outcry arose from the POWs as their CO was placed in chains and escorted to the back of the deuce and a half. Guards had to rush into the compound to hold back the crowd trying to reach Hogan. Seeing that his men were in danger of being shot, Hogan stopped and addressed his men, "Don't be stupid. This is a fight you can't win. Save your strength for the day when you can win. Don't worry; I'll be in the lead tank that tears this place down."

Hogan was about to turn to get into the back of the truck, when he heard the canvas flaps rustle and General Burkhalter's voice at his ear. "April Fools, Colonel Hogan."

Hogan whipped around and came face to face with the rotund General. "What?" Hogan stuttered. It was one of the few times in his life he had been at a complete loss for words.

"I said, April Fools. Is it not April the 1st?" the General said good-naturedly as he was helped down from the back of the truck.

Hogan was still trying to process this new information when he heard the cackling laugh of Colonel Klink. Turning to face the erstwhile Kommandant, Hogan watched as Klink slapped his thigh and danced a jig of pure delight. "We got you!"

Hogan fixed his eyes on Bergman who was standing there with his mouth open, seemingly just as lost as the rest of Hogan's men.

"Oh don't blame Bergman, Hogan. He didn't know a thing. We thought it was better that way since you have an uncanny way of finding things out," replied a self-satisfied Burkhalter. "I think this makes up for the blue dye in my shower last year. I spent a week looking like a blueberry."

Hogan noticed that the crowd had been joined by a very happy Langenscheidt. "Et tu Brute?"

Langenscheidt shrugged and his grin widened. What can I say Oberst? Last year one of your men put an itching agent in my foot powder. I had run out of talcum so I also used the powder in another area to stay dry. I spent guard duty with an agonizing itch and unable to scratch. It is a torture worthy of the Gestapo."

"Oh that was my fault Langenscheidt," said an apologetic Newkirk. "I didn't think you had guard duty that day."

"I didn't until Bruno became sick and I had to replace him."

Colonel Hogan cocked an eyebrow at Langenscheidt. Clearly he had underestimated his deviousness. Hogan decided that there was more to the man than he had originally thought.

Turning his attention back to the General, Hogan asked, "And the rest of your merry players?"

"Oh yes," replied Burkhalter, "introductions are in order. Colonel Hogan it is my pleasure to introduce Hauptmann Erwin Riefenstahl, Chaplin assigned to Luft Stalag XII." The man formally known as Reiker clicked his heels together and bowed.

"Our other esteemed actor, known to you as Wittmann, is actually Feldwebel Herman Schroer. He is also of Camp XII. The rest of the so called SS are from an infantry unit stationed nearby."

"You wouldn't want to give me the location of that unit, would you General?" asked Hogan in a half-jokingly

"No Hogan I would not," replied Burkhalter. "I think the score is now Allies 1, Germans 1"

"Of course there is always next year," replied Hogan.

"Are you expecting to still be a prisoner, Hogan?" asked the General.

"Doesn't matter General, the score is tied and we need to take this game into overtime."

"I accept the challenge Hogan. No matter where we are next year, there will be a rematch. May the better team win, which of course will be us."

"We'll see," replied a smiling Hogan.

The Germans retreated to the Officers Club, while Langenscheidt and Schultz made their way to the enlisted barracks for some celebrating of their own. Hogan's men drifted back into the barracks talking about the day's events, leaving Hogan alone in the compound with Bergman.

Bergman walked over to Hogan and said in a low voice, "Have you gotten any ideas for next year?'

"Some why?"

"Let me know if you need anything," replied Bergman before heading off to the Kommandantur.

Hogan smiled. He had a year to plan and he wasn't going to waste a moment of it.

_a/n: _

_Gefrieter Bruno: The Softer They Fall_

_Gefrieter: Berger: No Names Please_

_Obergefreiter Dietrich: Look at the Pretty Snowflakes_

_Strafbattalion: (Penal Battalion) Soldiers sentenced to these units were poorly-armed and required to undertake dangerous high-casualty missions._

_Bergen-Belsen: While this was a concentration camp under SS control, it also housed POWs._


End file.
